Three Funerals for My Father by Jolie Phuong Hoang

Author:Jolie Phuong Hoang
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: memoir, Vietnam, boat people, refugee, Canada
Publisher: Tidewater Press
Published: 2021-11-02T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 17

What If

What had I done? As soon as the bus pulled away, I began to question myself. Why had I put my children in such peril? I could have sent them to their deaths. They could vanish in the ocean and I would never know. What kind of father was not there to protect his children? I was disgusted with myself and overwhelmed by guilt. My imagination tortured me.

What if they were attacked by Thai pirates? They were known to be murderous and evil. I had instructed Phú to avoid the ocean near the Gulf of Thailand so many times. Did they take that route?

What if the engine stopped, and he could not fix it? I had equipped the boat with a spare engine, but still . . .

What if the food ran out? I had packed the boat with rice, dried squid, dried fish—more than a month’s supply—but what if it wasn’t enough?

What if the water ran out? There was a huge tank of fresh water and I had even packed lime juice. But who knew how long it would have to last?

What if they got lost? I had equipped the boat with a navy compass.

What if they ran out of fuel? They had enough fuel to reach Singapore.

What if a storm sank the boat? I had checked the weather forecast numerous times. May should be the ideal month.

My head echoed with what if . . . what if . . .

My mind was dark with negative and weary thoughts.

I was devastated and exhausted both mentally and physically, but I still had a family who needed me. I returned to the hotel and tried to behave normally, both to reassure the children and to avoid raising suspicion. We left the hotel and returned to Đà Lạt in virtual silence, wordlessly preparing ourselves for the anticipated ongoing petty harassment from the communist officials.

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